Upon my recent college visit I realized that my three favorite pastimes are in serious jeopardy: Eating massive amounts of really good food, taking long, luxurious, piping hot showers, and sleeping in the heavenly peace that is my own bed. I recently became aware of the problems facing each of these valuable extra-curricular activities and I'd like to share them with you now.
EAT:I know this is going to blow your mind, but after extensive investigating I discovered that the college will not provide me with an extra dorm so I can bring my own personal chef, my mother. My mother also informed me that she wouldn't come anyway, and that it is essential to get the full college experience of eating Ramen Noodles 5-7 times a week. I'm sorry, Ramen Noodles, but you get old after like half a bowl for me. Mother Superior has also already nixed the idea of replacing the desk in the dorm with a full-blown refrigerator, so there goes my plan to force her to send me home cooked meals I could store in the fridge till a later date. Ooo, and a little fun fact here: did you know that home baked cookies aren't just set on your table by a team of Keebler Elves while your gone at work or school? Someone actually has to MAKE them!!! WHAT IS THIS??!
BATHE:I have a showering fetish for a number of reasons. I hate dirt, I love a good smelling pomegranate Dove body wash, and you can't hear a damn thing anyone is saying from outside the bathroom door when you're showering! Mother's incessant yammering about "HAVE YOU FINISHED THE COMMON APP YET?" is drowned out by a combination of hot running water and the fact that I have probably crammed my ears full of soap at this point in the conversation. Unfortunately, you do not get your own personal shower at college, and apparently people yell at you if you take to long! And since they aren't yelling through a bathroom door, YOU CAN HEAR THEM! This is madness!!! Screw the fridge, I'm replacing my desk with a personal bath tub!
SLEEP:I can assure you that baby Jesus didn't sleep as well in his little manger on the first Christmas as I do in my own bed. What can I say, I'm a spoiled little princess. I like to sleep spread eagle in the exact center of my massive queen-size bed. And unless I'm going to attempt to build some sort of bunk-bed-bath were my personal bathtub is lofted above my queen size bed, I don't think there is any college in America with dorms big enough for it! What am I supposed to do, sleep in a TWIN sized bed? That's the biggest misnomer in the entire world, by the way, because what set of twins wants to share a bed that small?! All I can say is that while I am over the moon to get out of Cedar Rapids and off to college, there's definitely going to need to be some adjusting. I'm going to have to make some compromises. Personal jacuzzi, or massive bed? COMPROMISE: massive water bed.
By Princess Patty
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