Dude: Learn how to Learn!

Its 2am on a Tuesday nights, normal people would be asleep, but many students from Egg-Zavier are up studying their little butts off for an AP test they forgot they had the next day.
Now, imagine a world where you could be sound asleep at 2am, instead of downing Red Bulls and popping adderall. For students in Finland, this is their reality.
Instead of worrying about ruining their 4.33 with an A- like the over- achievers at Egg-Zavier, Finnish kids only worry about self- improvement, not competing with others to be “number one”. They have the freedom to attempt new ways of learning without fear of it coming back to bite them in the ass when preparing for college.
How many times have you gotten a test back that you didn’t do well on and felt the crippling fear that someone might see your grade? In Finland, this isn’t an issue. Students are not graded on an A-F scale, rather they are given descriptive feedback explain to them what to improve upon and what they have done well. Because of this, they are not compared to other students and don’t feel the pressure of being better than anyone else. They are able to learn in a way that best suits them.
In addition, teachers aren’t worried about getting fired due to poor test grades. The responsibility of learning does not lie with the teacher, but rather with the student. So, if an entire class fails an assignment, the teacher won’t make the next so easy that a five year old could do it, like some teachers at Egg- Zavier do, cool?
These learning methods are proven successful by Finland’s top ranking in worldwide tests. So why don’t other school systems adopt these method? Instead of freaking out about how you’re going to get into college and trying to be the best, you can learn things that you will actually remember, and maybe, actually have fun being a teenager.

Sincerely, The Jew and The Muslim (friends at last)

Love the Way You Lie

As we all know, high schoolers are never 100% open about everything going on in their lives. Lying is a lesson we learned along with the ABCs and peeing in a toilet. We have all lied to somebody; maybe a friend, parent, or even the occasional teacher asking for our late homework. The thing that some people don’t realize is that if you’re gonna lie, do it full out or you’re going to be fa-zucked. Sometimes you can get away with a simple white lie, but if you don’t get everyone in on it or make sure nobody is going to find out the facts are false then you’re screwed. Here are some do’s and don’t on lying.

Situation: your mother asks why her tribal vases are under the sink. Don’t say, “I don’t know!” in a sassy tone of voice. It will get you grounded (if your parents know what that is.) Do say, “Oh! I was cleaning the kitchen and didn’t want them to fall and break. Sorry.” An apology is always appreciated.

Situation: a friend asks you to go out but you’re mad at her. Don’t cough and say, “I’m sick,” in a sassy gay voice. You will get the reaction of “BOO! You whore.” Do come up with an excuse about how you can’t go out because you’re grounded from hiding your mom’s tribal vases.

Situation: you didn’t invite your best friend to your party and she finds out. Don’t tell her you couldn’t invite her because you had to pretend to be plastic. And NEVER accuse her of having a crush on you. Do tell her that it isn’t your party; it’s just your house.

Situation: your kids ask you about the creation story. Don’t tell them that on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle so that man could fight the dinosaurs, and the homosexuals. Do look in the damn Bible and see what really happened!

XOXO, Cady Heron

Eat, Bathe, Sleep: Three Things I will NOT Be doing Enough of in College

Upon my recent college visit I realized that my three favorite pastimes are in serious jeopardy: Eating massive amounts of really good food, taking long, luxurious, piping hot showers, and sleeping in the heavenly peace that is my own bed. I recently became aware of the problems facing each of these valuable extra-curricular activities and I'd like to share them with you now.
EAT:I know this is going to blow your mind, but after extensive investigating I discovered that the college will not provide me with an extra dorm so I can bring my own personal chef, my mother. My mother also informed me that she wouldn't come anyway, and that it is essential to get the full college experience of eating Ramen Noodles 5-7 times a week. I'm sorry, Ramen Noodles, but you get old after like half a bowl for me. Mother Superior has also already nixed the idea of replacing the desk in the dorm with a full-blown refrigerator, so there goes my plan to force her to send me home cooked meals I could store in the fridge till a later date. Ooo, and a little fun fact here: did you know that home baked cookies aren't just set on your table by a team of Keebler Elves while your gone at work or school? Someone actually has to MAKE them!!! WHAT IS THIS??!
BATHE:I have a showering fetish for a number of reasons. I hate dirt, I love a good smelling pomegranate Dove body wash, and you can't hear a damn thing anyone is saying from outside the bathroom door when you're showering! Mother's incessant yammering about "HAVE YOU FINISHED THE COMMON APP YET?" is drowned out by a combination of hot running water and the fact that I have probably crammed my ears full of soap at this point in the conversation. Unfortunately, you do not get your own personal shower at college, and apparently people yell at you if you take to long! And since they aren't yelling through a bathroom door, YOU CAN HEAR THEM! This is madness!!! Screw the fridge, I'm replacing my desk with a personal bath tub!
SLEEP:I can assure you that baby Jesus didn't sleep as well in his little manger on the first Christmas as I do in my own bed. What can I say, I'm a spoiled little princess. I like to sleep spread eagle in the exact center of my massive queen-size bed. And unless I'm going to attempt to build some sort of bunk-bed-bath were my personal bathtub is lofted above my queen size bed, I don't think there is any college in America with dorms big enough for it! What am I supposed to do, sleep in a TWIN sized bed? That's the biggest misnomer in the entire world, by the way, because what set of twins wants to share a bed that small?! All I can say is that while I am over the moon to get out of Cedar Rapids and off to college, there's definitely going to need to be some adjusting. I'm going to have to make some compromises. Personal jacuzzi, or massive bed? COMPROMISE: massive water bed. 
By Princess Patty 

Cady Heron's Advice Article: Please read responsibly.

 As we get into the groove of football season, you may notice the smells coming from the student section. No, it isn’t body odor from the freshmen that are going through puberty. It’s most likely the smell of alcohol on someones breaths. Let’s not pretend like this isn’t the first time anything like this has ever happened, but let me give you some advice: choosing to ignore the fact that teens drink isn’t going to help anything! You can be against drinking all you want, but who is that really going to affect? Will it affect you or the people around you? You can not drink AND still have friends that do, it isn’t impossible. If you want to help them, make sure they are drinking responsibly and have designated drivers. Ignoring them and not keeping them safe is dangerous: someone has to watch out for them, and a good friend would gladly do just that.

Besides, these are our exploration years! This is the time for us to explore everything. God, alcohol, sexuality, friends. If we don’t explore now, we are never going to learn what we do and don’t like, and what our limits are. As long as we stay safe and know our limits, what’s the harm? Don’t ignore the fact that sh*t’s gonna happen, but try and keep the sh*t to a safe level! You may be asked: “Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?” Hopefully, you can answer yes, because while you are exploring, you’re doing so responsibly. The thing we need to realize is that while a drink or two may be acceptable, drinking so much that we have a word vomit (or god forbid, an actual vomit) isn’t. People need to learn the line between buzzed and too drunk to remember anything from the last 12 hours. We are only teenagers and have our lives ahead of us, so now is the time to make mistakes and learn from them. What’s one screw-up now? We take those lessons with us the rest of our lives.

Sincerely, Cady Heron

Crapids, you seriously suck. And I need you to do it faster.

I hope everyone enjoyed the innuendo in the title of this article. If you didn't even notice that it was an innuendo, I would invite you to insert your head into the gutter. Now that we're on the same page, I will begin my rant, which I have entitled "An Ode to Satanic Red Lights".
I recently received a ticket from one of those traffic cameras on the corner of 42nd and Edgewood. Surprisingly it wasn't for speeding, it was for running through the end of a red light. So I admit, I occasionally cut it a bit to close when going through intersections. I'm just honoring that rule of thumb I remember from drivers ed: I'm past the point of no return! And to me, any point where I can see the stop light is the point of no return. No, I am not disputing the fact that I probably deserve this red light ticket. You know why I'm pissed and writing this article when I should be re-doing my Huck Finn essay? Because the ticket came in the mail TWO WEEKS after I ran the light! Seriously Crapids? Its not like you hand wrote that damn letter! The signature is some extremely pix-elated electronic image! How am I supposed to change my red-light running habits if I don't even know I'm cutting it too close? Am I going to get 14 other $100 dollar tickets in the mail? Because I will NOT be paying them! This one just ate up half of my account!! I don't care if your going to give me a ticket, Crapids. (well, I do care but that's an entirely different argument) Just give me my damn ticket in a timely manner. I will also be paying this ticket like I paid all those other damn parking tickets you gave me when I worked downtown: in pennies. Enjoy!
By: Perturbed Polly

Can a girl have an opinion in this school, or what?!

This is my opinion. It’s what I believe and although you may not agree with me, that doesn’t mean I am wrong, because in the end it’s just my opinion. I respect your opinions, your views, the things you say and why you say them, so again all I’m asking is to let me have my opinions too. Let me voice my feelings and explain what I am thinking before you tell me I’m wrong.
Opinions. I didn’t truly realize it until today but a lot of Egg-Zavier students have trouble wrapping their minds around the fact that not everyone thinks the same way they do. When students are confronted by classmates with different opinions, the fight or flight sense kicks in and more often than not, they refer to name calling and mudslinging. “You’re just upset because you don’t want to admit you’re wrong.” “I hope you go to hell you baby killer!” “Why would you even think that? That’s so wrong; I can’t believe you just said that.” Those are a few of the things people have told me when I express my opinion.
It’s tough to become your own person and grow stronger when everyone is pushing you down. Please Egg-Zavier, only one more request, I swear. Try this year to be more open-minded. You’re in high school now, so act like it. Remember, “There is no reality…only perception.”
This is my opinion.
By Aeolus Ehecatl

The Importance of Sparknotes

It’s 11 pm on a Sunday night. Most of the seniors in AP English are caffeinated, frantically trying to read the last 300 pages of their book, angrily tweeting, and getting ready to make an 11:11 wish for their own death. Where am I? Sleeping in my bed, because I spent 15 minutes reading Sparknotes instead of 5 hours reading the whole novel. Some of you may think this is cheating, or taking the easy way out. But what it really is, my friends, is the best decision anyone could ever make. Teachers say not to skip out on reading because they’ll fail the test over the book, but I didn’t read a page of Huck Finn and still got an 89% on the test. That’s better than some people who actually read the whole thing!

So next time you’re wasting your precious time reading about a Puritan slut and her devil-child, here’s a list of better things you could be doing instead.
-Taking a bubble bath
-Inventing a robot butler
-Raising an abandoned duckling
-Making cupcakes for the B lunch senior patio
-Hunting communists
-Finding a cure for cancer
…the possibilities are endless!!
By: Little Irish Girl (to be pronounced in a Spanish accent)  

You know why this article is so big? ITS FULL OF SECRET ADVICE FOR SENIORS!!

As I walk into the lunch room on any given day, I see a table of senior girls with a seat open for me where I could sit if I wanted to. Next to them, I see a table of sophomore girls that I know quite well. Generally speaking, I would sit by the seniors no doubt. But lately those girls have been more than catty and talking about people behind their backs. Not going to lie, I don’t really like the people they’re talking about, either. But I would rather spend my lunch talking about the good in life instead of the people who need to get a life. So I make my way the sit by the sophomores. They welcome me with open arms, and it makes them feel good that I, a mighty senior, am sitting by them.

I get a few awkward stares from the seniors and try to ignore them. Then, I proceed to have in-depth conversations about what’s going on in the sophomores’ lives these days and give them some knowledgeable advice. It has been a great lunch and I am now ready to conquer the next 4 periods.

The next day, I walk into lunch and decide to sit by the seniors because I need to uphold my reputation of running this school. It turns out that I have been demoted 4 seats to sit on the end, because apparently no senior wants to be seen with somebody who hangs out with sophomores. REALLY?!?!?! The reason I didn’t sit by you was because you were being immature! (DISCLAIMER: Not all senior girls are witchy life-ruiners, that ruin people’s lives) So when I decide to reconcile my sins, I would like some forgiveness. It’s not like you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread and I think you should acknowledge that fact. I do! But some days I like to spice it up and sit by somebody new. So stop acting like Regina George, because if you keep it up, I’m going to be the one yelling “YOU CAAAAAAN’T SIT WITH US!”

Sincerely,

Cady Heron

Don't Ask Don't Tell Repealed

Don’t’ Ask Don’t Tell was finally over turned. And I mean finally, as in its been about TWELVE freakin’ years that gays and lesbians have not been allowed to share there sexual orientation in the military. Way to step into the 21^st century, America! You're only 11 years late…countries in Europe have been allowing gays to serve openly for years, so why has it taken so long for America to catch up? Perhaps because we are suffering from a disease called “People-who-are-different-suck…neosis”.  America is obsessed with this idea of the “American Dream” and won’t accept the fact that not every one has the same dream! Since when is the “American Dream” squashing  someone else’s? And enough with this “destroying the family” shiite. If anything is ruining marriage and families, it’s divorce.  Not gay marriage.  So lighten up America! It’s ok to be gay! And I’m glad our military is finally accepting this fact.   

Welcome to Conformity High

Conformity: it’s what has been running our nation since its birth. But what people fail to realize is that if everyone was a conformist, there would be no Oprah Winfrey. She would just be another suburban living, sandwich making housewife. Teddy Roosevelt would just be another forgotten president, and Kathy Griffin would be another bitter Irish catholic woman yelling at her television. Without challenging the status quo, none of these people would be where they are today. So why is it if we want to make such a difference in the world, and stand out in whatever career we choose, we insist on looking and acting like everybody else? There can’t be six million Celine Dion’s people; somebody’s got to stand out.

Every day we are told by society, parents, authorities, and peers to be the stereotypical person: wake up, go to school, do activities, and get good grades.  Wear normal “in style” clothes, no piercings, no tattoos, no weird hair colors/styles. Listen to pop music, be Lady Gagas’ biggest fan, swoon over the Jonas brothers, and know what beach Snooki got arrested on in Jersey Shore.  We are all being molded in to the same person and are frowned upon when we think outside the box. You want to read “Catcher in the Rye” instead of “Twilight”? Than do it. So you think you can dance? Don’t go out for football, be the first and only male ballerina at Egg-Zavier. Who cares if no one else is doing it? You’re doing it, and it’s awesome. Plus the football players are tools. (DISCLAIMER: Only some football players are tools. Ok most but were gonna go with some for arguments sake)

It’s time to separate the penguins from the lions. As my favorite band once said “all in all you’re just another brick in the wall.” That’s what you’ll be if you conform: one of a thousand other identical bricks in a wall. So don’t be a brick, be a rock, damn it! 

Enough with the judging! Who died and made you Oprah?!

Take a stroll through the monochromatic halls of Egg-Zavier on any given day and you will see students trapped inside prison cell classrooms being lectured the importance of recycling and how it influences the economy, and if you don’t recycle Jesus will hate you, babies will die and you will spend the rest of your unimportant life plummeting through the seven fiery rings of hell like a pebble through a spider web. As if the lessons weren’t depressing enough, sometime you have fellow class mates that are just regular Debbie-downers. Judgmental juniors, Snippety sophomores and Fractious freshmen, I’m talking to you. You’re not all terrible, but you’re not all gems either! Listen up, because I’ve got some directions you’d like to start following!

As any current Egg-Zavier student may know, often times the classes you take are mixed with freshmen and sophomores, sophomores and juniors and so on. For anyone with underclassmen in their class, it has a way of making you feel like a great big underachiever. Walking into your senior Trigonometry class on the first day of school, and finding a junior sitting two seats behind you makes you wonder, “Why is he here? Why didn’t I take trig my junior year? Could I even take trig my junior year?” Starting off your day being one of the two seniors in your Spanish IV class can make you feel like you should have dropped out of Spanish when you had the chance, and ending your day in AP biology as the only senior takes away all the hope and joy in your life!
You should know I only have three classes with only seniors in them: Economics, Christian Lifestyles and AP English. So while I suffer through the next five classes of my day, I only ask one thing. Underclassmen, please don’t judge me. I may trip and fall down the stairs, get trampled by freshmen that run to lunch, forget the combination to my locker, walk through the hallways by myself, and get locked outside in the rain during lunch, but don’t forget: this is my fourth and final year at Egg-Zavier high school and I have learned to except and accept every embarrassing moment. Hopefully (and sooner rather than later) you will learn to accept them too. So when I trip, don’t laugh; when I forget, don’t stare; and when you run to lunch, please don’t trample me.  As my good friend Tupoc would say: Only God will judge me. So unless you’re a deity, enough with the judging!